This is a sad little post about myself. God I am such a rant-y person but there are people out there who I unfortunately know, and every time I meet them or am forced to be in their presence, just make me feel boiling mad!
For the last few years, there have been people who have treated me as a fool - someone who is below them, someone who they can laugh, mock and jeer at. But to everyone else, they employ a totally different attitude - treating them really nice and well and decent. But me? Oh no - I'm just a stupid clumsy girl, a nobody who will never have value or achieve something great in their eyes, and thus when they please, they will target me, giving me a thorough taste of their truly nasty character, time after time, year after year. They laugh when I have my ditzy clumsy moments - the occasional brain fart, silly actions, dropping stuff - and my appearance which just triggers all kinds of laughs and jeering (the best insult? "Hahaha, oh look at how small her eyes are!). Occasionally, I do think they are sadistic - they feel extreme happiness when they execute acts of humiliation and other disgusting likewise behaviour on people who fit into the "loser, someone I can make fun of" category in their mind. I guess it's kind of incredibly sad that I'm not made of sterner stuff, I've been emotionally humiliated so many times, and in a variety of ways despite being a very vocal and headstrong person who adores the feminist movement, and thoroughly believes in standing up for oneself when one experiences injustice in their life. I am bitter about the fact that I have never ever retaliated and stood up against them despite numerous opportunities to do so. The feeling of humiliation is certainly an emotion I would never wish upon anyone; it makes you feel like the dumbest loser, a good-for-nothing, someone who shouldn't have even been born since their existence is practically useless. Humiliation makes you feel very, very small, so small that you just wish you shrink into the ground and disappear to escape the moment.
Yesterday I was on the receiving end of another bout of someone's nastiness (a girl whose entire character I can describe in one word: nasty! and because I have put up with all their crap for four years, I'll reveal the first letter to their name: X! Not too hard to guess their identity, eh?) but per usual, I just attached a forced smile and waited for the horrid moment to pass. But I never once appreciated getting my hat taken off (of course they wouldn't do it to another if they were wearing a hat! It was a for a no-good reason anyway; just to say "haha, she has the hat syndrome - her hair is sweaty and gross from wearing the hat!" But of course, I'm just a harmless nobody who won't ever retaliate so let's just be mean and spiteful and all that jazz. ) Oh and don't think I'm overreacting - hell no I am not - because I've experienced so much shit, I know that it's out of spite, and not the acceptable way of poking fun at people - fundamentally, their actions are meant to elicit a chorus of laughter at me, not with me - there is a difference. I don't find their actions funny, but then I am a sensitive person. Neither am I particularly enjoying that an extremely unattractive close up photo of my facial expressions was taken. Firstly, that's not the bloody purpose of a DSLR - you spent that much money to take that kind of deliberate shot? Secondly, how low class and downright mean can a person get? And how do I know that X was being nasty and it wasn't a one-off thing? She shows the photo around. It's crystal clear that she just wants people to comment about how particularly unflattering I am and have a good old jolly laugh about it. Moreover, I really detest that because I don't use Facebook - the social medium which has encouraged the rise of narcissism (à la *selfie captioned "OMG! I look so ugly!", fake ass reply is "Nah, babe, you're so gorgeous and hottt! xx". Sincerity: close to a big fat ZERO, and narcissism: 100.), and other awful traits, and is brimming with so-called "friends" - people just assume that I've vanished off the face of the earth, and essentially, forgotten. So yep, just go ahead and post less than attractive photos [which I would have appreciated deleted], because I totally gave you a thumbs up and permission for sharing it on the world wide web! I can totally envision mocking and sarcastic comments about the said photo. But I know that because I am considerate of others, unlike some people, I will never intentionally set out to behave in ways that will make people feel bad or upset. Oh and prime example about how I'm forgotten because I don't use Facebook? Someone texts me, inviting me to go somewhere, I text back saying I will go, they make a Facebook event, and when I show up - "Oh Rachel? You were coming?" I felt like a dimwit. Another sad example of how people take me as a fool: because of my clumsiness, my actions and my tendency to let nasty comments slide - someone once told me that I should never have children because they would turn out to be as stupid as me. Ouch, now that hurt me deeply and I beg to differ. I am not stupid, I love kids and if I ever had kids, I would make their lives a happy one! Kids aren't born stupid, either. Smart isn't everything - and also, most importantly, it's just a matter of being raised right, and then embracing the love of learning.
But from now on, this is it. If I ever, ever have to see X again (I cross my fingers I won't, but blast - my friends are friends with her too!) I will not take any more filth that spews out of her spiteful mouth or anyone's mouth for that matter. I will rectify my lack of defence, and easy acceptance of everything unjust because I don't have the courage to just rage! But for X, I want to instigate an expletive-laden rant at her, and scream that she's been nasty to me for four years and going, and is the nastiest and most spiteful person I have ever come across. I don't ever want to feel like I am a loser again, in my entire life - because I know I have self-worth; I am somebody, not a nobody, and someone who will go on to achieve something in life, rather that someone who is always made a fool of; I am someone who is undeserving of deprecating remarks. I no longer want to hide behind a constant façade of chirpiness which just screams "I will take all your crap! Just have a go at me, mock me, I'm totally fine with it!" I solemnly swear that from today henceforth, this is it - a new beginning, a new person will stand up for themselves if necessary.
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It was extremely difficult for me to write without using expletives, because generally I am an avid user of expletives (in my blood!) and also because a situation triggered my anger, causing me to be very much in the mood for a foul-mouthed rant. I just want to be myself - because I truly believe I am not a bad person - and want others to embrace me for who I am - flaws and all, instead of me always faking some aspect of myself to gain approval or not to be teased.
There will always be good people, and bad people amongst humans - we all just have to fight and defend ourselves when we are faced with hardship, injustice and the like, and do our best to eliminate the bad within people. But then again, in regards to "bad" people, I believe that a leopard can't change its spots. Rapists go on to rape again after jail (they should be tortured, die a slow and painful death, and castrated before their execution to atone for their evil acts and to serve as a general deterrent to potential rapists), robbers continue to steal, assassins continue to kill. The cycle continues.
I just gotta take my own advice! Be a heroine in my own life story, prove the people who doubt me wrong. That's the way it should be.
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