For the first time in my life, I finally looked through the looking-glass. But it was really more like I saw a quick glimpse but even then I've realised how naive I have been. I felt really troubled by things and things just did not make sense. I couldn't connect the dots until I talked it out with my very dear resident psychologist, my sister, who is the most insightful person I know. Of course what we have could just be a conspiracy theory but it's too perfect, everything makes perfect sense. Nothing was forced. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.
I'm so sorry that I have never seen you for you. You are not the person I thought you were and it only took three hours for me to see reason and see you in the light you deserved to be seen in. I have thought of you with someone else's words and thoughts instilled into me. Maybe things would have turned out a lot differently if my view wasn't so coloured. My reasons were all so very irrational and they weren't even things I had thought of myself. But when people people continuously drill into me the same thoughts over and over again, I am bound to remember it so even my subconscious will agree. I think of everything in other people's words. Heck, even the way I described myself were things that people had described me by and I had to get that pointed out to me. I didn't realise being treated in a different way was a natural progression. Why couldn't I have seen that all along? I'm so foolish. I'm afraid that I'm already too far in the deep end though. But I truly see you with new eyes now and I am determined to start afresh and make an effort because you have always been wonderful to me, treated me whole-heartedly and showed me.
If I were a pawn in a chess game before, I'm not going to be that anymore. It's scary that you're not dissimilar from a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
#540 - Truthfully,
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and trying so hard so you don't hold an unfavourable opinion on me. I don't even know why I care so much about what you think of me when I don't really care what others think. I'm trying my best but even now, you're unreadable. Out of everyone else, I want to impress you the most and not disappoint you in any way. What the heck? I don't get myself either. I have no reason to place you on a higher pedestal. I can't tell if you think I'm just not good at all or just okay. I feel like I'm making mistakes all the time. Stoic personalities and me are a no-go.
#539 - Current Jam
I couldn't give a damn about the movie but this song is good. And catchy.
Lady A, stop making me love you even more.
Got back into this after singing our hearts out to this at karaoke this week. Taylor is on point, enough said.
I dig this too.
Getting festival-ready with this.
Oldie but a goldie. New album ain't got nothing on his older songs
I feel so much more lighthearted and cheerful after listening to this. And its title is cute too: When I met you, all the stars fell on the top of my head.
Lady A, stop making me love you even more.
Got back into this after singing our hearts out to this at karaoke this week. Taylor is on point, enough said.
I dig this too.
Getting festival-ready with this.
Oldie but a goldie. New album ain't got nothing on his older songs
I feel so much more lighthearted and cheerful after listening to this. And its title is cute too: When I met you, all the stars fell on the top of my head.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
#538 - Nepotism
I know I've been MIA lately. I've just been too lazy to blog! But I'm back again and unsurprisingly, my first post since coming back isn't about how awesome exchange was (don't get me wrong, it was absolutely bloody fantastic and all kinds of crazy wonderful, I would 11/10 recommend and do it again in a heartbeat) but about nepotism. It's the kind of topic that gets me all fired up and ready to write a rant-y blogpost after two months (have I even grown up at all? I feel like I'm still experiencing spontaneous teenage bouts of angst).
Okay. So nepotism is just an unavoidable concept in modern society, no? It's not what you know but who you know. Connections are vital to survive in the harsh job market. If you've practically zero connections like me or do not know people in high-up positions, well it's pretty shitty for you. Doom and gloom, I'll say. Nothing ticks me off as much as nepotism in the job market. For example, I've been trying to break into retail for over a year and the sad fact is that it's near impossible. And it's such a vicious cycle because they will never ever give you a shot even if you have experience in other service-related areas. The only sure-fire way to land a job in the retail industry is to know someone. Well aren't I just too unfortunate because I don't know anyone!
I just recently attended an interview where I kind of knew the interviewer (let's call him X) and he was also aware of my existence before I applied for the position. It was a very strange interview in the sense that X spent the majority of the interview introducing job requirements and the job description and only asked me two personal questions. No stupid psychological type of questions that are a personal favourite of HR recruiters, thank goodness. Towards the end of the interview, he tells me "No harsh feelings if you don't get this, okay?" I'd like to think of myself as laid back and going-with-the-flow so I say of course because deep down, I'm not going to be that butt-hurt. I've survived some rejections but have also been successful at times. In life, you win some and you lose some. Well today, I find out that I wasn't successful and I got a list of reasons for my rejection. But what ticks me off is that all the reasons are given are just a facade of niceties without a single inkling of truth; it's all bullshit. The real reason is nepotism.
A person my age, doing the same degree as me, with the same availability (and I am surprised I haven't come across this person yet!) gets the job because he's the interviewer's boss' son's friend whereas I don't because I don't have any relevant connections even though I have probably more qualifications and experience than him? Well I'd like to heartily salute the interviewer with the middle finger for toadying to his higher-up and just being an asshat in general who says one thing but does another. And another person gets the same position when they're essentially also a full-time student like me except their relative is a senior manager or some fancy titled so-and-so? What happened to merit? Fairness? Urgh. I'm grateful that there are still kind-hearted decent people in the world like B (who I've only met once!) for offering to take my resume and other things up to someone higher than X but that wouldn't work out in practice since it would be an usurpation of X's authority. Awkward. And it's not the right thing to do.
When I say others are fortunate in the job industry, having easily attained positions with ease, I mean it. I'm envious actually and have drooled over many people's work history on Linkedin. Could that ever be me one day? For me, it's just a matter of keep trying, keep trying, don't give up - eventually, someone will take a chance on me and find out I'm actually okay and I am capable of doing the job. I've job hunted so much that cover letters no longer feel like they're something too difficult to write anymore and not getting a reply is OK. I move on and don't let it get to me. I'm not going to let this latest rejection get to me either. I'm just going to keep trying, don't give up and I know something good will happen. Not sure when but I know it will occur.
Okay. So nepotism is just an unavoidable concept in modern society, no? It's not what you know but who you know. Connections are vital to survive in the harsh job market. If you've practically zero connections like me or do not know people in high-up positions, well it's pretty shitty for you. Doom and gloom, I'll say. Nothing ticks me off as much as nepotism in the job market. For example, I've been trying to break into retail for over a year and the sad fact is that it's near impossible. And it's such a vicious cycle because they will never ever give you a shot even if you have experience in other service-related areas. The only sure-fire way to land a job in the retail industry is to know someone. Well aren't I just too unfortunate because I don't know anyone!
I just recently attended an interview where I kind of knew the interviewer (let's call him X) and he was also aware of my existence before I applied for the position. It was a very strange interview in the sense that X spent the majority of the interview introducing job requirements and the job description and only asked me two personal questions. No stupid psychological type of questions that are a personal favourite of HR recruiters, thank goodness. Towards the end of the interview, he tells me "No harsh feelings if you don't get this, okay?" I'd like to think of myself as laid back and going-with-the-flow so I say of course because deep down, I'm not going to be that butt-hurt. I've survived some rejections but have also been successful at times. In life, you win some and you lose some. Well today, I find out that I wasn't successful and I got a list of reasons for my rejection. But what ticks me off is that all the reasons are given are just a facade of niceties without a single inkling of truth; it's all bullshit. The real reason is nepotism.
A person my age, doing the same degree as me, with the same availability (and I am surprised I haven't come across this person yet!) gets the job because he's the interviewer's boss' son's friend whereas I don't because I don't have any relevant connections even though I have probably more qualifications and experience than him? Well I'd like to heartily salute the interviewer with the middle finger for toadying to his higher-up and just being an asshat in general who says one thing but does another. And another person gets the same position when they're essentially also a full-time student like me except their relative is a senior manager or some fancy titled so-and-so? What happened to merit? Fairness? Urgh. I'm grateful that there are still kind-hearted decent people in the world like B (who I've only met once!) for offering to take my resume and other things up to someone higher than X but that wouldn't work out in practice since it would be an usurpation of X's authority. Awkward. And it's not the right thing to do.
When I say others are fortunate in the job industry, having easily attained positions with ease, I mean it. I'm envious actually and have drooled over many people's work history on Linkedin. Could that ever be me one day? For me, it's just a matter of keep trying, keep trying, don't give up - eventually, someone will take a chance on me and find out I'm actually okay and I am capable of doing the job. I've job hunted so much that cover letters no longer feel like they're something too difficult to write anymore and not getting a reply is OK. I move on and don't let it get to me. I'm not going to let this latest rejection get to me either. I'm just going to keep trying, don't give up and I know something good will happen. Not sure when but I know it will occur.
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